Telling your loved ones about your cancer is a difficult step in the illness, and it becomes even more so when you have a child. How can you find the right words without frightening them or transmitting your own fears? You are often told to take care of yourself, but how do you do that when you also have to look after a child? How do you balance their needs with yours? And how do you talk to children about cancer without forcing them to grow up too fast and face the harsh realities of life?
Announcing the cancer to your child
Why tell them?
People often think that by not talking about life’s “hard things” with children, they will protect them from suffering and sadness. But children know and feel when something is wrong. Even if nothing is said, a child notices changes at home — a parent who is more tired, sad, no longer going to work, or not picking them up from school. Silence and secrets can be a source of anxiety for children, even very young ones.
“A child’s intelligence is intuitive and observant.” — Françoise Dolto
What we imagine is often far more terrifying than reality — especially for children, whose imagination knows no bounds. Without clear words to describe feelings and changes, a child may fill in the gaps with frightening scenarios. Additionally, sensing a parent’s distress without understanding why can leave a child feeling guilty — “My parents are sad because of me, and they won’t tell me why.”
Finding the right moment
There will never be a perfect moment to announce your illness, but the longer you wait, the harder it becomes for both you and your child. Learning about an important event too late can lead to a sense of betrayal, as if something has been hidden from them. It’s normal to be scared — talking about something difficult to accept yourself is hard. That’s why it’s important to give yourself time to process the news before you share it, so you can reassure your child rather than pass on your own stress.
It’s also best to have enough information to answer likely questions. You can ask your doctor beforehand so you feel prepared. Finally, choose a calm time in your child’s day — not at bedtime or right before school — so they aren’t left alone worrying about what you’ve told them.
Being supported
Ideally, have someone trusted with you when you talk to your child — your partner or another close adult. This helps your child know they have more than one person to turn to, and it gives you support too.
Talking about the illness
What to say
Choosing the right words can be hard. Tailor your message to your child’s age and understanding. Use simple language and, if helpful, age-appropriate books. A school or hospital psychologist can also help you find the right way to explain things.
"They found lumps in my breast, the doctors investigated, and it is cancer."
You don’t need to go into medical details that might confuse or scare them. But saying too little leaves them with unanswered questions.
Explaining cancer and its side effects
Explain that cancer is a serious illness that takes longer to heal than a cold or sore throat. To fight it, regular hospital visits and treatments are needed. Let them know treatments can make you tired — “I might be very tired after treatment and need to rest.” Hair loss is another common concern. You don’t have to show your child right away; talk about it when they are ready. Most children do not associate hair loss with disease in the same way adults do, and seeing you without a wig will not traumatize them.
Supporting your child’s questions
After the news, your child may have many questions and emotions. Trust their ability to cope — every challenge helps children grow and mature, provided they feel supported and understood.
Answering questions
Children dislike unanswered questions. Saying “I don’t know, but I’ll find out” or “I promise to tell you more when I know” reassures them that nothing is hidden. Be honest but simple. Don’t offer promises you may not be able to keep.
Managing feelings
Respect your child’s emotions — fear, sadness, anger are all normal. Let them know you also have feelings; this helps them understand emotions are not something to be ashamed of, and that it’s okay to talk about them.
Guilt
Children may wrongly attribute blame to themselves, especially young ones whose thinking is often egocentric. Reassure them that the illness is nobody’s fault.
Contagion fears
Children may worry that cancer is contagious. Reassure them that it is not and that hugging, kissing, and affection are safe.
Fear of abandonment
Children worry about who will care for them. Reassure them you are doing everything possible to keep life stable, that routines will remain as normal as possible, and that there are other adults who care for them too.
Giving time
Children don’t always react immediately. Some may go quiet — this doesn’t mean it’s ignored, they may just be processing. Offer a calm, open space for them to come back with questions later.
**Changes during illness**
Hospital visits
If visits are allowed, discuss it with your child beforehand. Hospitals can seem scary — if they decline, don’t shame them. Plan alternatives such as a daily phone call or a shared notebook with drawings and messages.
Remission
If you reach remission (life after cancer), the meaning of the illness is different for you and for your child — it may have become part of their daily life. Reassure them that although the illness is gone, doctors will monitor you to ensure it doesn’t return. ↩️
Talking about death
Children often articulate directly. They may ask “Are you going to die?” It’s best not to avoid this — be honest within what you know. For example: “That is a possibility, but the doctors are doing everything they can to prevent it.” Reassure them that, if the worst were to happen, they would never be alone and that many adults care for them.
Recognising when something is wrong
Changes in behaviour, such as sleep problems, anxiety or difficulties at school, can signal distress. Talking openly and seeking professional support if needed helps. *This advice is inspired by psychosocial principles*.
Daily life
Keeping routines
Children need stable routines. Maintaining familiar activities like homework and extracurriculars provides reassurance and structure during upheaval.
Creating moments away from illness
Plan activities that don’t revolve around the illness — board games, walks, movie afternoons together — as these can strengthen bonds and provide joy even on tough days.
Avoiding missteps
Try not to make promises that depend on outcomes you can’t control, and avoid placing too much responsibility on your child. Children still need to be children.
**Our advice**
Trust yourself and be true as a parent. Children have energy and zest for life that can uplift you — let their vitality guide you forward.